Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to be kind to a friend than to yourself? We often become our own harshest critics, speaking to ourselves in ways we would never dream of addressing someone we care about.

What if you could transform that relationship with yourself? What if you could become your own best friend?

The Self-Compassion Gap

Most of us have mastered the art of friendship with others. We:

• Listen attentively
• Offer sound advice without judgment
• Provide emotional support during difficult times

Yet when it comes to ourselves, we often forget these skills entirely. We criticize, judge, and hold ourselves to impossible standards—creating a self-compassion gap that affects every aspect of our lives.

This disconnect isn’t just uncomfortable—it’s actively harmful to our well-being. Research shows that self-criticism is strongly linked to depression, anxiety, and reduced resilience. In contrast, self-compassion correlates with greater happiness, emotional well-being, and even improved physical health.

As mothers, this gap can become even more pronounced. The pressures of motherhood often amplify our inner critic, making us question our decisions, compare ourselves to others, and feel as though we’re constantly falling short. But what if the key to thriving as both a woman and a mother begins with befriending yourself?

The Mirror Exercise: What Would You Tell a Friend?

One of the most powerful ways to develop self-compassion is through what I call the “mirror exercise.” It’s a simple but profound practice that can transform how you relate to yourself:

Step 1: Identify Your Struggles

Take a moment to write down the areas where you’re currently struggling:

• Internal struggles (thoughts, emotions, self-judgments)
• External struggles (relationships, work, practical challenges)

Step 2: Imagine a Friend

Now imagine that your dearest friend is going through these exact same struggles and doing all the same things you’re doing.

Step 3: Offer Advice

What advice would you give this friend?

• What words of comfort would you share?
• How would you help them see the situation more clearly or compassionately?

Step 4: Turn Inward

Would you be willing to take that same advice for yourself?

• If yes, what has been preventing you from doing so?
• If not, why not?

This exercise often reveals a stark contrast between how we treat others and how we treat ourselves. The advice we’d offer a friend is typically balanced, kind, and realistic—acknowledging difficulties while also seeing the bigger picture. Yet the standards we hold for ourselves are often unreasonably high, with little room for human fallibility or compassion.

Try this now: Think about something you’ve been beating yourself up about recently. Maybe you lost your temper with your children, missed a deadline, or haven’t been as productive as you’d hoped. What would you say to a friend in the same situation? Can you offer yourself those same words of understanding?

The Interrupt and Redirect: Catching Your Inner Critic

Our internal dialogue often becomes so automatic that we don’t even notice its harshness until we’re already feeling its effects. Developing the habit of interrupting this pattern can be transformative:

The Two-Step Process:

1. Interrupt

Whenever you notice yourself feeling down or having a difficult time, stop and ask yourself: “Am I being kind to myself right now?”

2. Redirect

Then, shift your perspective with: “What would I say to a dear friend who was feeling exactly the same way as I’m feeling now?”

This simple practice creates a moment of awareness that interrupts the automatic self-criticism cycle. It creates space for a new, more compassionate response—one that’s likely more accurate and helpful than your inner critic’s perspective.

Example in Action:

Situation: Feeling overwhelmed by household responsibilities

Inner critic: “Everyone else manages to keep their house clean. Why can’t you get it together? You’re so disorganized.”

What you’d say to a friend: “Running a household is a massive job, especially with young children. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed sometimes. What’s one small area you could focus on that would make you feel better?”

The difference in tone, perspective, and helpfulness is remarkable. And the more you practice this interrupt and redirect, the more natural it becomes to treat yourself with the same kindness you offer others.

The Five Whys: Finding the Root Cause

Sometimes our negative emotions seem to come out of nowhere, or we find ourselves stuck in patterns of distress without understanding why. The “Five Whys” technique, borrowed from problem-solving methodologies, can help uncover the deeper roots of our struggles. Consider documenting this process in a structured emotional intelligence journal that’s specifically designed for deeper self-reflection.

How It Works:

When you’re experiencing a negative emotion, ask yourself a series of “whys”:

Level	Question
First layer	Why am I feeling this way?
Second layer	Why? (about your first answer)
Third layer	Why? (about your second answer)
Fourth layer	Why? (about your third answer)
Fifth layer	Why? (about your fourth answer)

Each “why” takes you deeper toward the root cause or belief that’s generating your distress. Let’s look at how this might unfold:

Example:

Initial emotion: I’m feeling stressed.

Why? Because my life feels like chaos right now.

Why? Because I’m having difficulty juggling kids, work, and home life.

Why? Because it’s more work than I can reasonably do, and I don’t get enough help from my spouse.

Why? Because I haven’t been clearly communicating my needs.

Why? Because I feel guilty asking for help and believe I should be able to handle everything on my own.

Notice how the final “why” reveals a core belief that might be driving much of your stress—one that you might not have identified without this deeper examination. And once you’ve identified this core belief, you can ask: Would I tell a friend they should be able to handle everything on their own? Or would I encourage them to ask for help without guilt?

The Five Whys technique helps you move beyond surface-level reactions to understand the deeper patterns and beliefs that may be undermining your relationship with yourself.

Building a Self-Friendship Practice

Becoming your own best friend isn’t a one-time decision but a consistent practice. Here are some ways to build this relationship over time:

1. Create a Self-Compassion Ritual

Set aside a few minutes each day to check in with yourself compassionately. This might be first thing in the morning, during a short break, or before bed. Consider using a self-compassion wokrbook to structure this practice and make it special.

During your ritual, ask yourself:

• How am I feeling right now?
• What do I need today?
• What would a caring friend say to me in this moment?

2. Write Yourself a Letter

When you’re struggling with something particularly difficult, try writing yourself a letter from the perspective of a wise, compassionate friend. A beautiful stationery set can make this practice feel more meaningful and special than just using notebook paper.

In your letter, address:

• What would this friend say about your situation?
• What perspective might they offer?
• What reassurance would they give?

3. Develop Self-Compassion Phrases

Create a few go-to phrases that you can use when you notice self-criticism arising. Many find it helpful to use affirmation cards specifically designed for women as inspiration. You might consider phrases like:

• “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment.”
• “I’m doing the best I can with what I have right now.”
• “It’s okay to be imperfect. That’s part of being human.”

4. Practice Physical Self-Compassion

Self-friendship isn’t just about thoughts—it also involves caring for your physical needs. This might mean:

• Placing a hand on your heart when you’re distressed
• Taking deep breaths when you notice tension (a weighted anxiety blanket can enhance this calming effect)
• Ensuring you’re getting adequate rest, nourishment, and movement
• Treating yourself to physical comforts like a warm bath with aromatherapy bath salts or comfortable clothing

5. Celebrate Your Wins

A good friend would celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Take time to acknowledge:

• What you’ve accomplished
• What you’re learning
• The ways you’re growing—even (especially) on difficult days

The Ripple Effect of Self-Friendship

When you become your own best friend, the benefits extend far beyond your internal experience. This fundamental shift in your relationship with yourself creates ripples that touch every area of your life:

For Your Children

Your children learn self-compassion by watching you model it. When they see you treat yourself with kindness, they internalize that same approach for themselves.

For Your Relationships

Your capacity for authentic connection deepens. When you’re not depleted by self-criticism, you have more energy for meaningful relationships.

For Your Resilience

Your ability to bounce back strengthens. Self-compassionate people recover more quickly from setbacks and are more likely to try again after failure.

For Your Intuition

Your inner wisdom becomes clearer. Without the noise of harsh self-judgment, you can better hear your own intuitive guidance.

For Your Decision-Making

Your choices align more closely with your values. Self-friendship helps you make decisions from a place of self-respect rather than self-criticism or people-pleasing.

The Journey of Becoming Your Own Best Friend

Like any meaningful relationship, your friendship with yourself will evolve over time. There will be moments of deep connection and moments when old patterns of self-criticism return. The key is not perfection but a commitment to returning to self-compassion again and again.

Remember that becoming your own best friend isn’t selfish—it’s a fundamental act of self-care that enables you to show up more fully in all your relationships and responsibilities. By treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and support you’d offer a dear friend, you create a foundation of well-being from which everything else in your life can flourish.

Questions for Reflection

• What would change in your life if you were truly your own best friend?
• How might you speak to yourself differently?
• What possibilities might open up?

The journey begins with a single compassionate thought, a moment of kindness toward yourself—and it’s available to you right now.

What’s one small way you could be a better friend to yourself today? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

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Citations

1. Neff, K. D. “Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself.” Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101.
2. Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. “Self-Compassion in Clinical Practice.” Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 856-867.
3. Gilbert, P. “Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features.” Routledge.
4. Brown, B. “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.” Hazelden Publishing.
5. Fredrickson, B. L. “Positive Emotions Broaden and Build.” Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 47, 1-53.