Have you ever found yourself staring at your upset child, unsure of what to say or do? Maybe “stop crying” or “you’re fine” automatically come to mind—words you likely heard growing up. In that moment, there’s a gap between your instinctive reaction and the validation your child truly needs.

This gap isn’t your fault. If you weren’t taught how to recognize and validate emotions as a child, it makes sense that it feels unfamiliar now. It’s like being expected to speak a language you’ve never learned.

For mothers who experienced childhood emotional neglect or dismissal, I call this the validation gap—the space between wanting to support your child emotionally and actually knowing how to do it in real time.

The good news? You can bridge this gap. With awareness, practice, and self-compassion, you can learn to validate your child’s emotions in ways you may never have experienced yourself. This shift benefits both your child’s development and your own healing journey.

Why Emotional Validation Matters

Before diving into strategies, let’s explore why emotional validation is so crucial for children:

• Emotional regulation – Helps children recognize, understand, and manage their feelings.
• Self-worth – Reinforces that their emotions matter.
• Brain development – Strengthens neural pathways for emotional processing.
• Secure attachment – Deepens the parent-child bond.
• Healthy relationships – Builds the foundation for future emotional connections.

Research shows that children whose emotions are consistently validated develop stronger emotional intelligence, better stress management skills, and healthier relationships. According to Dr. John Gottman, kids who experience emotional validation tend to self-soothe better, perform well academically, and have fewer behavioral issues.

The Power of Mirroring

One of the most effective ways to validate your child’s emotions is through mirroring—reflecting their emotional state with your facial expressions, tone, and words. This helps them:

1. Identify emotions – “You seem really frustrated right now.”
2. Normalize feelings – “It’s okay to feel that way.”
3. Co-regulate – Your calm presence helps regulate their emotions.
4. Expand emotional vocabulary – They learn words to describe their feelings.

For children under five, mirroring is especially crucial. Their brains are still forming the pathways that support emotional regulation. Research by Dr. Dan Siegel shows that early emotional attunement strengthens the connection between the emotional (limbic system) and rational (prefrontal cortex) parts of the brain.

Why This Might Feel Hard

If emotional validation feels unnatural or difficult, you’re not alone. Common challenges include:

• Your own emotional triggers – Your child’s emotions may bring up unresolved feelings from your past.
• Lack of modeling – If you didn’t experience validation growing up, you may not know what it looks like.
• Discomfort with emotions – You might have learned to suppress feelings rather than express them.
• Overwhelm – Managing your own emotions while helping your child can feel exhausting.
• Unconscious beliefs – You might hold internalized messages like “crying is weakness.”

Recognizing these barriers is the first step toward overcoming them. Your struggle with validation doesn’t mean you don’t love your child—it just reflects your own emotional history.

Practical Ways to Bridge the Validation Gap

1. Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary

Many adults can only name basic emotions like “happy,” “sad,” or “mad.” To validate emotions, we need a broader vocabulary.

Try this:

• Create a feelings list with words like “disappointed,” “anxious,” “proud,” and “peaceful.”
• Use a feelings wheel to identify emotions more precisely.
• Practice naming your own emotions: “I’m feeling flustered because we’re running late.”

2. Recognize the Physical Signs of Emotions

Emotions show up in the body. Learning to recognize these signs can help you validate feelings even before your child verbalizes them.

Common physical signs:

• Anger – Flushed face, tense muscles, clenched jaw
• Anxiety – Fidgeting, shallow breathing, stomach aches
• Sadness – Drooped shoulders, quiet voice, downcast eyes
• Excitement – Widened eyes, increased movement, high-pitched voice

Try this: Create a family emotions chart to connect feelings with physical signs.

3. Use the Three-Step Validation Process

When your child has big feelings, follow this simple approach:

1. Name the emotion – “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated.”
2. Connect it to the cause – “You worked so hard on that tower, and it fell.”
3. Normalize the feeling – “That makes sense. Anyone would feel disappointed.”

With practice, this structure becomes second nature.

4. Prioritize Regulation Before Problem-Solving

When emotions run high, logical explanations don’t work. Kids (and adults) need to regulate emotions before engaging in solutions.

Try this: Set a mental timer for 60 seconds to focus on validation and connection before offering redirection or problem-solving.

5. Validate Emotions While Setting Boundaries

Validation doesn’t mean permitting all behaviors. You can acknowledge feelings while reinforcing boundaries.

Use this formula:

• “You can feel angry, AND you need to use words instead of hitting.”
• “You can feel disappointed, AND we’re still leaving the store now.”

6. Practice Self-Validation First

If you weren’t validated as a child, it helps to start with yourself.

Try this:

• Pause and name your emotions: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now.”
• Validate yourself: “That makes sense because I have a lot on my plate.”
• Model self-compassion: “It’s okay to feel this way.”

7. Create a Family Calming Corner

A designated “calming space” with sensory tools can help both you and your child regulate emotions in tough moments.

Ideas:

• Soft pillows or weighted blankets
• Fidget toys or stress balls
• A chart with deep breathing exercises

When Your Child’s Emotions Trigger You

Certain emotions may feel especially difficult to handle, often because they were discouraged in your own childhood:

• If crying was met with anger, your child’s tears may make you anxious.
• If anger was forbidden, their tantrums may feel overwhelming.
• If neediness was shamed, their requests for comfort may feel suffocating.

Try this:

1. Identify which emotions trigger you.
2. Notice what you feel in your body when triggered.
3. Ask yourself: “What did I need to hear as a child when I felt this way?”

Awareness helps you rewrite old patterns instead of repeating them.

Final Thoughts

Bridging the validation gap isn’t about being a perfect parent—it’s about showing up with intention. The fact that you’re here, learning and practicing, means you’re already making a difference.

With time, emotional validation becomes more natural. And as you nurture your child’s emotional health, you’ll find yourself healing, too.

You can do this.

Citations

1. Gottman, J. (1997). Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.
2. Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind.
3. Markham, L. (2012). Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.
4. Kurcinka, M. S. (2006). Raising Your Spirited Child.
5. Ginott, H. G. (2003). Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated.
6. Siegel, D. J. (2020). The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired.
7. Tsabary, S. (2014). The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children.