When someone you love is struggling, their pain ripples through your life in ways both expected and surprising. As mothers, we often find ourselves in the delicate position of balancing multiple roles: caregiver for our children, emotional support for our partner, steady presence for our extended family—all while trying to maintain our own wellbeing.

What happens when a family member spirals into crisis? Perhaps it’s a sibling going through a painful divorce, a parent facing health challenges, or a close friend battling depression. Their struggle tugs at your heart, demanding attention and care, yet you still have small humans depending on you for their daily needs.

This is the complex terrain many mothers navigate: wanting to show up completely for those we love while knowing our energy and resources have very real limits. The desire to help can be overwhelming, especially when witnessing someone you care about making choices that may be deepening their pain.

The guidance that follows isn’t about doing less or caring less—it’s about caring effectively while honoring your primary responsibilities and personal boundaries. Because the truth is, supporting others through crisis requires sustainability, and that means approaching the situation with both compassion and clarity.

Recognizing Struggle: Beyond the Obvious Signs

Before you can support someone effectively, it helps to recognize when they’re truly struggling versus simply going through a temporary rough patch. Sometimes, the signs are obvious—openly expressed sadness or direct requests for help. Other times, the indicators are more subtle and easily missed in our busy lives.

Common Signs Someone Is in Crisis:

• Withdrawal from social connection, declining invitations, or canceling plans repeatedly
• Changes in communication patterns, like someone who was previously responsive becoming difficult to reach
• Shifts in appearance or self-care that differ from their usual habits
• Increased substance use as a coping mechanism
• Erratic behavior or making uncharacteristic decisions with poor judgment
• Expressing hopelessness or making statements that suggest giving up
• Sleep disturbances that persist over time (sleeping too much or too little)
• Significant changes in mood, especially increased irritability or emotional numbness

Understanding that people rarely ask directly for what they need most is important. When someone says, “I’m fine,” but their behavior suggests otherwise, it’s the behavior—not the words—that usually tells the truth about their emotional state.

Research from the University of Michigan shows that people in crisis often send mixed signals. They may simultaneously reach out for connection while pushing others away, creating a confusing dynamic for those who care about them. This isn’t manipulation but rather the complex nature of human suffering—we both need help and fear being vulnerable enough to receive it.

The Mother’s Dilemma: Balancing Multiple Responsibilities

As mothers, we face a particular challenge when loved ones enter crisis mode. Unlike friends who might be able to drop everything to provide support, we have children whose needs don’t pause when emergency strikes elsewhere in our lives.

This creates what psychologists call “role conflict”—when the demands of one role (supportive sister/daughter/friend) clash with the demands of another (attentive and present mother). This conflict isn’t just practical but often deeply emotional, triggering feelings of guilt regardless of which role receives more of our attention.

Remember this truth: You are not responsible for solving another adult’s crisis, but you are responsible for maintaining stability for your children. This isn’t selfish—it’s the essential foundation that allows you to be helpful to others in a sustainable way.

Some key principles to help navigate this dilemma:

1. Your children come first, but “first” doesn’t mean “only”. There are ways to support others while maintaining your family’s wellbeing.
2. Your capacity to help expands when you’re honest about your limitations. Promising what you can’t deliver helps no one.
3. Modeling healthy support teaches your children crucial life skills. They’re watching how you navigate these waters.
4. Sometimes the most loving support is encouraging professional help. You don’t need to be someone’s only resource.

With these foundations in mind, let’s explore specific strategies for balancing care for others with care for your family and yourself.

Creating Healthy Boundaries: The Framework for Effective Support

Boundaries aren’t walls that separate you from loved ones in crisis—they’re structures that define what kind of support you can sustainably offer. Think of boundaries as the difference between throwing someone drowning your whole boat (which may sink you both) versus extending a life preserver while keeping yourself safely anchored.

Step 1: Get Clear on Your Capacity

Before offering any support, honestly assess what you can realistically give. Consider:

• Time: How many hours weekly can you genuinely spare?
• Emotional bandwidth: What’s your current stress level?
• Practical resources: What tangible help can you offer?
• Knowledge limits: Are you equipped to help with this specific situation?

A helpful practice is to create a weekly support budget. Perhaps you determine you can offer two hours of phone support and one in-person visit per week. Having this clarity helps prevent both resentment and burnout.

A task planner journal can be invaluable for maintaining this kind of clarity, helping you track what you’ve offered and how it’s affecting your own wellbeing.

Step 2: Communicate Boundaries with Compassion

Once you’re clear on your capacity, communicate your boundaries with both firmness and kindness. This might sound like:

“I care about you deeply and want to support you during this difficult time. I can talk by phone on Tuesday evenings and meet for coffee every other Saturday morning. I might not always respond to texts immediately, but I will always get back to you within 24 hours.”

Notice this approach:

• Affirms your care
• Clearly states what you can offer
• Sets expectations about communication
• Doesn’t apologize for having limits

When boundaries feel difficult to establish, remember that clear boundaries actually allow for deeper connection because they create sustainability and prevent resentment from building up over time.

Step 3: Differentiate Between Helping and Enabling

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of supporting someone through crisis is discerning when our “help” actually enables destructive patterns. This becomes particularly complex when the person is making choices that deepen their suffering, such as:

• Refusing professional help despite clear need
• Using substances to cope
• Isolating from supportive relationships
• Remaining in harmful situations they have the power to leave

The key distinction lies in whether your support empowers positive change or merely makes destructive patterns more comfortable.

Signs your support may be enabling:

• You find yourself hiding or downplaying the person’s behavior to others
• Your help primarily prevents the natural consequences of their choices
• You feel resentful after interactions
• You’re working harder on their problem than they are
• You consistently feel worse after spending time with them

When you notice these patterns, it may be time to shift your approach from solving immediate problems to encouraging longer-term solutions.

Practical Ways to Support Without Overextending

Supporting someone through crisis doesn’t always require grand gestures or endless hours. Often, the most meaningful support comes through consistent, smaller actions that communicate care while respecting both your boundaries and their agency.

1. Create Regular Check-in Rituals

Rather than responding to every crisis moment (which can reinforce negative patterns), establish regular check-in times. This might be:

• A weekly phone call at a set time
• A monthly coffee date
• A regular “walking meeting” where you connect while moving
• A shared meal on a specific day of the week

This consistency provides support while preventing the exhausting cycle of emergency responses.

2. Offer Specific Rather Than Open-Ended Help

Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything” (which rarely results in actual requests), offer specific forms of assistance:

• “I’m going to the grocery store on Thursday. Send me your list and I’ll pick up your items too.”
• “I have time this Saturday morning to help you organize those insurance papers.”
• “I can drive you to appointments on Tuesday afternoons.”

Specific offers are easier for someone in crisis to accept and easier for you to fulfill without overextending.

3. Create Support Circles Rather Than Going It Alone

When someone is struggling, we sometimes fall into thinking we must be their primary or only support. This approach often leads to burnout and can actually limit the person’s access to diverse forms of help.

Consider organizing a small support network where different people provide different types of assistance:

• One person might help with practical tasks
• Another might be available for emotional processing
• Someone else might assist with research or resources
• You might coordinate care or provide specific forms of support that align with your strengths

A simple group text or online care calendar can help coordinate these efforts without creating additional burden for the person in crisis.

4. Find the Balance Between Presence and Space

Sometimes the most supportive thing isn’t doing or saying anything—it’s simply being present. Other times, giving space is what’s most needed.

Signs someone might need presence:

• They seem overwhelmed by practical tasks
• They’re expressing feelings of isolation
• They directly ask for company
• They’re in danger of harmful behaviors

Signs someone might need space:

• They’re not responding to communication attempts
• They express needing time to process
• They seem overwhelmed by attention
• They’re working through things with professional help

Learning to discern between these needs takes practice and attentiveness. When in doubt, you can simply ask: “Would you prefer some company right now or some space to process?”

Managing Your Own Stress When Worried About Someone You Love

Supporting someone through crisis invariably affects your own emotional state. Anxiety about their wellbeing, frustration with their choices, or grief about their situation can all take a toll on your mental health.

Signs Your Support Is Becoming Unsustainable:

• Sleep disturbances because you’re worrying about them
• Increased irritability with your children or partner
• Obsessive thinking about their situation
• Physical symptoms like headaches or stomach issues
• Neglecting your own basic needs
• Feeling a sense of dread when they contact you

When these signs appear, it’s not selfishness but wisdom to step back and reset your approach. Here are strategies to help:

1. Implement the Oxygen Mask Principle

Just as airplane safety instructions direct you to secure your own oxygen mask before helping others, you must attend to your basic needs to be effective support for anyone else.

Create non-negotiable self-care practices during periods of supporting others:

• Protect your sleep schedule
• Maintain basic physical activity
• Ensure you’re eating regularly
• Schedule brief periods of genuine rest
• Stay connected to activities that replenish you

A self-care emergency kit with items that ground and comfort you can be helpful during particularly stressful periods of supporting others.

2. Develop Emotional Containment Practices

When supporting someone in crisis, their emotional state can easily become yours if you don’t have practices for maintaining healthy separation. Try these approaches:

• Visualization: Imagine their feelings as colored smoke that surrounds them but doesn’t enter your body
• Physical reset: After intense interactions, engage in a brief activity that signals completion (washing hands, changing clothes, stepping outside)
• Verbal containment: Use phrases that acknowledge their feelings while maintaining separation: “I can see you’re feeling hopeless right now, though I hold hope for your situation”
• Time boundaries: Set internal time limits for how long you’ll discuss the crisis before moving to other topics

These practices aren’t about caring less but about maintaining your emotional center so you can continue to be supportive over time.

3. Release the Responsibility for Outcomes

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of supporting someone through crisis is accepting that you cannot control their choices or the ultimate outcome of their situation. This is particularly difficult when you can clearly see what they “should” do but they’re unwilling or unable to take that path.

Remember these truths:

• You cannot want healing for someone more than they want it for themselves
• Adult loved ones have the right to make their own choices, even unwise ones
• Your value as a support person isn’t measured by whether they “get better”
• Sometimes the most growth happens after people hit their own bottom

This doesn’t mean becoming indifferent to outcomes, but rather releasing the grip of responsibility for achieving specific results through your support.

When and How to Encourage Professional Help

There comes a point in many crisis situations where professional help isn’t just beneficial but necessary. Recognizing this threshold is important, as is knowing how to have that difficult conversation.

Signs Professional Help Is Needed:

• The person’s functioning continues to decline despite support
• They’re using substances in dangerous ways
• They express thoughts of self-harm or suicide
• Their behavior is becoming erratic or potentially harmful
• The situation exceeds your knowledge or capacity to help
• Their crisis is significantly impacting your wellbeing or family functioning

Approaching the Conversation About Professional Help:

1. Choose the right moment – Not during an argument or when they’re intoxicated or highly emotional.
2. Use “I” statements – “I’ve noticed…” or “I’m concerned…” rather than “You need help” or “You have a problem.”
3. Be specific about behaviors – Point to concrete examples rather than making general statements about their character or state.
4. Express care as your motivation – “I’m bringing this up because I care about you and want to see you feeling better.”
5. Offer practical help with the process – “I’d be happy to help you research options” or “I could go with you to an initial appointment.”
6. Be prepared for resistance – Initial reactions may include denial, anger, or minimizing. Don’t argue or defend your position; simply restate your concern and offer to talk again when they’re ready.
7. Set your own boundaries – Be clear about what you can and cannot continue to do if they refuse help when it’s clearly needed.

Remember that most people need to hear suggestions about professional help multiple times before acting. Your initial conversation may simply plant a seed that grows over time.

Modeling Healthy Support for Your Children

An often-overlooked aspect of supporting loved ones through crisis is the impact it has on your children’s understanding of care, boundaries, and family relationships. Children observe how you respond to others’ suffering and form their own templates for future relationships based on what they see.

This creates an opportunity to consciously model healthy support:

1. Use Age-Appropriate Explanations

Children deserve some explanation about significant family situations, even if details are limited. Rather than hiding the situation entirely, consider simple, non-alarming explanations:

For younger children: “Uncle Jack is going through a really hard time right now, so we’re checking in on him regularly to show we care.”

For older children: “Sometimes adults go through difficult periods where they need extra support. Right now we’re supporting Uncle Jack while making sure our family’s needs are also met.”

2. Make Your Boundaries Visible When Appropriate

Let your children see you setting and maintaining healthy boundaries:

“I care about Aunt Sarah, but I need to finish getting dinner ready for our family. I’ll call her back after we eat.”

“I want to help Grandpa with his situation, but I also need to take care of my health, so I’m going for my walk now.”

These moments teach children that caring deeply and having boundaries can coexist.

3. Involve Them in Age-Appropriate Support

When suitable, involve your children in showing care:

• Drawing pictures or making cards
• Preparing a meal together to drop off
• Selecting a small gift or comfort item
• Participating in a brief visit

This teaches empathy and concrete ways to show care for others during difficult times.

4. Process Your Feelings Outside Their Presence

While it’s healthy for children to see appropriate emotional responses, process your more intense feelings about the situation—frustration, deep worry, anger—with other adults, not your children.

This protects them from taking on emotional burdens that aren’t theirs to carry while still allowing them to see authentic emotional responses.

The Path Forward: Growth Through Supporting Others

Supporting loved ones through crisis, while challenging, offers opportunities for profound personal growth. Many women report that these experiences, though difficult, ultimately strengthened their:

• Clarity about personal boundaries
• Ability to hold space for difficult emotions
• Skills in balancing multiple responsibilities
• Capacity for compassion without self-sacrifice
• Understanding of what truly matters in relationships

As you navigate supporting others, be gentle with yourself through the inevitable missteps. Finding the balance between care and boundaries is rarely a straight line but rather a dance of adjustment and learning.

Remember that by taking care of yourself while supporting others, you’re not only helping create sustainability for the current situation—you’re building a template for how your children will care for others (and themselves) in the future.

In this way, the careful boundaries you establish today become the foundation for generations of healthy support to come.

Have you found effective ways to support loved ones while maintaining your own wellbeing? Share your experiences in the comments below—your wisdom might be exactly what another reader needs to hear today.

Citations

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3. Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.
4. Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts.
5. Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
6. Skovholt, T. M., & Trotter-Mathison, M. (2016). The Resilient Practitioner: Burnout and Compassion Fatigue Prevention and Self-Care Strategies for the Helping Professions.
7. Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.