In recent months, behavioral scientists, relationship experts, and cultural commentators have been sounding the alarm about what many call the “lost boys phenomenon” – a generation of young men struggling with identity, purpose, and the ability to form healthy relationships. As mothers, we must grapple with a crucial question: how do we ensure our sons don’t become part of this concerning trend?

While there are many factors at play in this complex issue, one stands out consistently in the research: the critical importance of positive male role models in boys’ development. This isn’t about reinforcing rigid gender stereotypes, but rather about understanding the unique developmental needs of boys as they navigate their path to manhood in a rapidly changing world.

Understanding the Crisis Facing Young Men

Recent viral conversations between relationship experts like behavioral scientist Logan Ury and others have highlighted growing concerns about young men’s struggles with social connection, emotional health, and relationship formation. These discussions point to several interconnected factors:

• Declining involvement of fathers and other male mentors in boys’ lives
• Lack of healthy models for emotional expression and vulnerability
• Confusion about what positive masculinity looks like in today’s world
• Increasing isolation, particularly in digital environments

As a mother raising a son in this complex landscape, I’ve found myself reflecting deeply on these challenges. How do we navigate this terrain thoughtfully, ensuring our boys grow into emotionally healthy men capable of forming meaningful connections?

Why Boys Need Positive Male Role Models

The need for positive male role models goes beyond simply having “a man around.” It’s about providing specific developmental support that shapes how boys understand themselves and their place in the world:

1. Identity Formation

Boys naturally look to men to understand what it means to be male. Without positive models, they often turn to media stereotypes, peers, or online personalities that may promote unhealthy or unrealistic versions of masculinity.

A therapist I once consulted explained it this way: “Boys are constantly asking an unspoken question – ‘Am I doing this man thing right?’ Without healthy answers from positive male figures, they’ll find answers elsewhere, and those answers often lead to confusion and pain.”

2. Emotional Intelligence Development

One of the most significant gifts positive male role models offer is demonstrating healthy emotional expression. Boys who see men express a full range of emotions – not just anger or stoicism – learn that emotional awareness is compatible with masculinity.

This foundational skill directly impacts their future relationships. As behavioral scientist Logan Ury and others have discussed, many young men today struggle with emotional connection, lacking the skills to build and maintain intimate relationships.

3. Relationship Modeling

Boys learn how to relate to others, particularly romantic partners, by observing the men in their lives. When they see positive examples of men in respectful, communicative relationships, they internalize these patterns.

The alternative is concerning: without these models, boys often construct their understanding of relationships from peers, media, or online sources that may promote unhealthy dynamics.

The Mother’s Challenge: Finding and Facilitating Male Role Models

As mothers – particularly single mothers – this knowledge can feel overwhelming. How do we provide something we literally cannot be ourselves? Here’s what I’ve learned on my own journey:

Recognizing Our Limitations (And That’s Okay)

First, we need to acknowledge that no matter how amazing we are as mothers, we cannot be a male role model for our sons. This isn’t a failure – it’s simply recognizing the reality that our sons need to see and interact with positive examples of the gender they’re growing into.

This doesn’t diminish our importance or influence. In fact, one of the most powerful things we can do for our sons is to recognize this need and actively help meet it.

Identifying Potential Role Models

Look around your existing community for potential positive influences:

• Uncles, grandfathers, or other male relatives
• Trusted teachers or coaches
• Friends’ husbands whom you respect
• Community leaders, mentors, or religious figures
• Neighbors or community members

The key is quality over quantity. One consistently present, emotionally healthy male figure can make an enormous difference in a boy’s development.

Formal Mentoring Programs

If your immediate community lacks suitable role models, consider formal mentoring programs:

• Big Brothers organizations
• Boys & Girls Clubs
• Sports teams with coaches you respect
• Community center programs
• Church or faith-based youth programs

These structured relationships can provide consistent, positive male influence, particularly during crucial developmental stages.

Qualities to Look For in Male Role Models

Not all male influences are created equal. Here are the qualities to prioritize when identifying potential role models for your son:

1. Emotional Intelligence

Look for men who:

• Express a healthy range of emotions
• Talk openly about feelings
• Handle frustration and anger appropriately
• Show empathy and compassion

These men teach boys that emotional awareness is a strength, not a weakness.

2. Respect for Women

Positive male role models demonstrate:

• Equal partnerships with women
• Respectful communication, even during disagreements
• Appreciation for women’s contributions and perspectives
• Rejection of misogynistic attitudes

Through these examples, boys learn to value and respect women as equals.

3. Healthy Relationship Skills

Valuable male mentors show:

• Effective communication styles
• Conflict resolution without aggression
• Vulnerability and openness
• Commitment and reliability

These skills form the foundation for your son’s future relationships.

4. Purposeful Living

Look for men who:

• Pursue meaningful goals
• Contribute positively to their communities
• Take responsibility for their actions
• Show integrity and ethical behavior

These qualities help boys develop their own sense of purpose and direction.

What If Biological Dad Isn’t Present or Positive?

Many mothers face the reality of raising sons without the children’s father being consistently present or a positive influence. This situation requires special consideration:

When Dad Is Absent

If your son’s father isn’t present due to death, separation, or other circumstances:

• Acknowledge the loss honestly, at an age-appropriate level
• Avoid speaking negatively about the absent father
• Help your son process any grief or abandonment feelings
• Actively seek other positive male figures

A guided journal specifically for boys processing father absence can help your son express and work through his feelings.

When Dad Is Present But Problematic

If your son’s father is present but displays negative behaviors:

• Maintain appropriate boundaries
• Don’t criticize the father directly to your son
• Provide alternative perspectives when harmful attitudes arise
• Ensure your son has access to other, more positive male influences

These situations require delicate balance, but remember that seeing multiple examples of masculinity allows your son to distinguish healthy from unhealthy patterns.

Facilitating Meaningful Connections

Simply identifying potential role models isn’t enough. Here are strategies to foster meaningful connections:

1. Create Regular Opportunities for Interaction

Consistency matters more than grand gestures. Encourage regular:

• Weekly activities or outings
• Shared hobbies or skills development
• Regular meals or conversations
• Attendance at your son’s important events

A memory-making activity kit for boys and mentors can provide structure for these interactions.

2. Support the Relationship

Facilitate the relationship by:

• Expressing appreciation to the mentor
• Providing context about your son’s needs or challenges
• Giving them space for their relationship to develop
• Following up on activities they’ve shared

Your support shows both your son and his mentor that you value their connection.

3. Complement Their Influence

Work alongside the mentor’s influence by:

• Reinforcing positive lessons at home
• Asking your son what he’s learning or enjoying
• Encouraging him to share his experiences
• Connecting mentor teachings to daily life

This integration helps your son internalize the positive influence more deeply.

Starting the Conversation About Masculinity

As mothers, we can and should talk openly with our sons about masculinity, even while recognizing our perspective is different from lived male experience:

Age-Appropriate Discussions

• With younger boys (5-8): Focus on simple concepts like “different ways to be a boy” and celebrating diverse strengths
• With tweens (9-12): Begin conversations about media stereotypes versus reality
• With teens (13+): Deeper discussions about cultural expectations, emotional health, and relationships

Questions to Explore Together

Prompt thoughtful reflection with questions like:

• “What men do you admire and why?”
• “What does being a good man mean to you?”
• “How are the men you see in movies different from real men you know?”
• “What kind of man do you want to be when you grow up?”

These conversations help your son develop his own healthy concept of masculinity.

The Broader Impact: Why This Matters

The stakes couldn’t be higher. Boys with positive male role models are more likely to:

• Form healthy romantic relationships later in life
• Develop stronger emotional regulation skills
• Experience better mental health outcomes
• Break cycles of negative relationship patterns
• Become positive role models themselves someday

By actively ensuring our sons have these influences, we’re not just supporting their individual development – we’re contributing to a healthier future for everyone.

A Mother’s Reflection

As navigate this journey with my own son, I’ve come to a profound realization: acknowledging my son’s need for male role models doesn’t diminish my importance in his life. Instead, it demonstrates my commitment to giving him everything he needs to thrive, even when that means looking beyond what I alone can provide.

This is the essence of putting “Woman first, Mother Always” – recognizing that being the best mother sometimes means acknowledging what we cannot be, and then working to delegate that through other relationships.

When we approach motherhood this way, we don’t just raise healthier sons – we model for them what true strength, wisdom, and love look like. And ultimately, isn’t that the most powerful influence we can offer?

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What positive male role models have you found for your son? Share your experiences in the comments below!

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Citations

1. Bartlett, S. (Host). (2023, October 26). “The Love Expert: Why Women Are Addicted To F**k Boys & Why You Should ‘Have A Boring Relationship Instead!'” [Audio podcast episode]. In The Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett. Apple Podcasts.
2. Bartlett, S., Galloway, S., & Ury, L. (2024). “Masculinity Debate: Are Dating Apps Creating A Generation Of Incels?!” [Audio podcast episode]. In The Diary of a CEO with Steven Bartlett. Black Country Radio.
3. Meagan and Nicole. (2024, April 9). “Episode 102 – lost boys & modern dating” [Audio podcast episode]. In it’s cool, us too. Apple Podcasts.
4. Ury, L. (2021). How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love. Simon & Schuster.
5. Reeves, R. & Galloway, S. (2023). The research from the American Institute for Boys and Men. American Institute for Boys and Men.