When we become parents, something profound happens to our relationships. Research confirms what many of us experience firsthand: about 67% of couples see their relationship satisfaction decline after having children (Gottman & Gottman, 2011). This isn’t because we love our partners less—it’s because the dramatic shift in our lives can unintentionally push our romantic connection to the background.

But this decline isn’t inevitable. Through my own journey as a woman and mother, I’ve discovered that intentionally cultivating certain qualities can not only preserve your partnership but actually strengthen it after children arrive. My “Woman First, Mother Always” philosophy has led me to recognize that nurturing my relationship requires honoring my whole self, not just my maternal identity.

Today, I’m sharing the eight qualities I’ve found most transformative in rekindling and deepening my connection with my partner after having children. These insights come from both personal experience and respected relationship research—because sometimes the most powerful growth happens when lived wisdom aligns with proven principles.

1. Feel Your Feelings (Without Getting Lost in Them)

There’s something fundamentally feminine about allowing yourself to fully experience emotions rather than suppressing or avoiding them. I’ve learned that when I push feelings down, they don’t disappear—they transform into tension in my body and distance in my relationship.

When I first became a mother, I often felt overwhelmed but rarely acknowledged these feelings, believing I needed to “stay strong.” Eventually, this manifested as unexplained headaches and irritability with my partner. What changed everything was creating space to simply feel my emotions without judgment.

This practice of feeling emotions as they arise prevents them from becoming physiological problems and allows you to take responsibility for your emotional landscape. When you process feelings on your own, you can identify the root cause and address it with your partner calmly rather than from a place of reactivity.

How to practice this: Set aside 5-10 minutes daily with a feelings journal to check in with yourself. Simply notice and name your emotions without trying to change them. This seemingly simple practice has been life-changing for my relationship, creating space between feeling and reacting.

2. Share Feelings (Not Stories or Accusations)

One of the most powerful relationship lessons I’ve learned is the difference between sharing genuine feelings versus sharing interpretations or “stories” about my partner’s behavior.

For years, I would tell my husband I felt “ignored” or “unappreciated,” not realizing these weren’t my primary emotions but interpretations of his intentions. These statements inevitably created defensiveness because they contained implied accusations.

The transformation came when I began sharing primary emotions instead: “I feel sad” or “I feel worried.” These statements focus on my experience without attributing blame. As author Allie Duzett explains in Magnetic Femininity, this approach creates connection rather than confrontation.

I tested this approach with my brother, who had repeatedly canceled our plans over several years. Instead of accusing him of being unreliable, I simply told him, “I feel sad and worthless when our plans fall through.” His response shocked me—he gave me a hug, apologized sincerely, and hasn’t broken plans since.

With my husband, I’ve found that saying “I feel stressed” rather than “You never help me” opens the door to supportive conversation instead of defensive reactions. Almost always, he comforts me and helps find solutions.

Remember to share positive feelings too! Expressing joy and happiness is just as important as communicating difficult emotions—it gives those around us the gift of our authentic experience.

How to practice this: When emotion arises, identify the primary feeling (sad, afraid, happy, excited) before speaking. Use “I feel [emotion]” statements, and when asked why, focus on the situation rather than your partner’s actions. A couples communication card deck can provide helpful prompts for practicing this skill together.

3. Embrace Vulnerability (Not Weakness)

Vulnerability is the courage to show up as your authentic self despite the risk of rejection. This is vastly different from weakness, which stems from lack of strength or resilience.

In my relationship, embracing vulnerability has meant admitting when I’m uncertain, sharing my genuine thoughts even when they’re messy, and allowing my partner to see my imperfections. As researcher Brené Brown has demonstrated, vulnerability creates the deepest human connections.

I used to believe I needed to present as a perfectly capable mother and partner. I hid my struggles, fears, and mistakes—only to find myself increasingly isolated. When I finally began admitting when I was overwhelmed or uncertain, our intimacy deepened tremendously.

Robert Greene discusses in The Laws of Human Nature how acknowledging our “shadow self”—those parts of us that are imperfect or less polished—actually prevents these aspects from emerging in explosive or unhealthy ways. Being vulnerable about our full humanity makes us more genuine and relatable.

How to practice this: Share one authentic thought or feeling with your partner today that you’d normally keep to yourself. It might be an insecurity, a hope, or a small failure. Notice how this creates space for them to do the same. Using a couple’s relationship workbook can provide structure for these vulnerable exchanges.

4. Cultivate Self-Worth (Love Yourself First)

I’ve discovered that how I feel about myself profoundly impacts how I show up in my relationship. When my self-worth wavers, I tend to seek validation from my partner in ways that create pressure and distance. When I’m grounded in self-love, I bring my best self to our connection.

As psychologist Kristin Neff explains in her work on self-compassion, treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a good friend creates resilience and authentic confidence. This isn’t about narcissism or selfishness—it’s about creating a stable foundation from which you can love others more freely.

After having children, my body, schedule, and identity all changed dramatically. I found myself seeking constant reassurance from my husband, which paradoxically left me feeling even more insecure. The turning point came when I began intentionally practicing self-compassion and reconnecting with the parts of my identity beyond motherhood.

Self-worth can’t be faked—it must be cultivated through consistent practices like honoring your values, developing your talents, and speaking to yourself with kindness. When I began prioritizing these practices, my confidence became genuine rather than fragile, and our relationship flourished in this more stable environment.

How to practice this: Start each day with a self-compassion ritual. Place your hand on your heart and speak to yourself with the kindness you’d offer a beloved friend. A meditation cushion can create a dedicated space for this practice.

5. Learn to Receive Support (Without Guilt)

One of the most challenging yet transformative relationship skills I’ve developed is the ability to genuinely receive support from my partner without guilt, overcompensation, or feeling indebted.

Early in parenthood, I prided myself on “doing it all”—managing childcare, household tasks, and work with minimal help. When my partner offered support, I’d reluctantly accept but then feel compelled to immediately return the favor or downplay how much I needed the help.

This dynamic prevented us from experiencing the natural rhythm of giving and receiving that sustains healthy relationships. Over time, I realized that my inability to receive graciously was actually blocking intimacy and partnership.

Learning to say “yes, thank you” without qualification has been revolutionary. When my husband offers to take the kids for the morning or handle dinner, I now respond with genuine appreciation rather than protest. This creates space for him to experience the satisfaction of contributing meaningfully and allows me to truly benefit from support.

How to practice this: The next time your partner offers help, practice saying only “Thank you, I appreciate that” without adding qualifiers like “but you don’t have to” or “I’ll make it up to you.” Notice how this simple shift creates more space for genuine partnership.

6. Cultivate Respect and Appreciation (Especially for Men)

One revelation that transformed my marriage was understanding that while I deeply valued expressions of love, my husband fundamentally desired respect and appreciation.

For years, I showed him love in the ways I wanted to receive it—through caretaking, managing details, and trying to “improve” him—not realizing these approaches often felt controlling rather than loving from his perspective. When I shifted to demonstrating respect through seeking his input, appreciating his contributions, and giving him autonomy, our relationship improved dramatically.

No man wants a romantic relationship that reminds him of his mother. I had to stop “mothering” my husband—questioning his decisions, correcting his parenting approaches, or assuming I knew better about various matters. Instead, I began expressing genuine appreciation for his unique contributions and respecting his different (but equally valid) approach to many situations.

When I began consistently acknowledging his efforts and expressing gratitude for specific actions—”I really appreciate how patient you were with our son during his meltdown” or “Thank you for handling that repair; it’s a weight off my mind”—I watched him flourish in ways that countless requests for change had never accomplished.

How to practice this: Each day, find at least one specific quality or action to genuinely appreciate about your partner. Express this appreciation directly, focusing on the impact their action had: “When you did X, it made me feel Y.” This small habit creates a culture of mutual respect that sustains connection.

7. Practice Presence (The Greatest Gift)

In our distraction-filled world, true presence has become increasingly rare—and therefore increasingly valuable. When we give our undivided attention to our partners, we communicate their importance in our lives more powerfully than words alone can express.

I noticed that after having children, my husband and I would often be physically together but mentally elsewhere—thinking about work, planning tomorrow’s schedule, or scrolling through our phones. Our conversations became transactional rather than connective.

The practice of presence requires intention. I began by working on my own personal mindfulness. This includes meditating and journaling each day. I made a set of personal goals like keeping my phone faced down and out of my hands when speaking with my husband. I made a deliberate effort to look him in the eyes and try to actually take the time to understand his feelings and what was going through his mind. Over time, he began making subtle changes that showed an increase in his level of presence.

Active listening communicates value. When I practice being fully present while my partner speaks—not interrupting, not planning what I’ll say next, not mentally working on my to-do list—he feels seen and understood. He, in turn, becomes more present and I feel more seen as well. This fosters deeper sharing and creates a virtuous cycle of connection.

How to practice this: Create a daily “presence ritual”—even just 10 minutes when you both put away phones and make eye contact while talking about something beyond logistics. A simple sand timer can be a physical reminder to stay present during this dedicated time.

8. Embrace Humor and Lightheartedness (The Secret Ingredient)

Perhaps the most underrated quality for sustaining relationships through the parenting years is a sense of humor. The ability to laugh together—especially during challenging moments—creates resilience and perspective when you need it most.

I’ve discovered that taking things too seriously creates tension not only in my body but in my relationship. The times when my husband and I have found humor in the chaos of parenting have become some of our most treasured moments of connection.

Lightheartedness doesn’t mean avoiding difficult topics or dismissing genuine concerns. Rather, it’s about maintaining perspective and finding moments of joy even amid challenges. A playful text in the middle of a hectic day, an inside joke during bedtime chaos, or laughing together about a parenting mishap creates bonds that sustain you through the inevitable stresses of family life.

How to practice this: Make it a point to share something that made you laugh each day. Keep a running list of your favorite funny memories or inside jokes, and reference them during tense moments to regain perspective. A laughter workbook for couples with funny questions or prompts can spark connection when you’re feeling disconnected.

The Woman Beyond the Mother

What I’ve found most powerful about cultivating these qualities is how they honor both my identity as a woman and my connection as a partner. By feeling my emotions, sharing authentically, embracing vulnerability, nurturing self-worth, receiving support, showing respect, practicing presence, and maintaining humor, I’ve become more fully myself—which naturally strengthens my relationship.

Research confirms that the decline in relationship satisfaction after children isn’t inevitable. Studies show that couples who maintain their connection throughout the parenting years often experience a significant relationship renaissance as children grow more independent (Gorchoff et al., 2008).

Your relationship deserves to thrive, not just survive. By intentionally cultivating these eight qualities, you nurture not only your connection with your partner but your connection with yourself—the woman who exists alongside and beyond your identity as a mother.

I’d love to hear which of these qualities resonates most with you right now. Which one might you focus on cultivating this week? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

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Citations

1. Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2011). Creating healthy marriages through early intervention. Monitor on Psychology, 42(9), 44-45.
2. Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.
3. Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
4. Greene, R. (2018). The Laws of Human Nature. Viking.
5. Duzett, A. (2020). Magnetic Femininity. Self-published.
6. Gorchoff, S. M., John, O. P., & Helson, R. (2008). Contextualizing change in marital satisfaction during middle age. Psychological Science, 19(11), 1194-1200.